Sunday, February 25, 2007

Possible Transcript of My Motivational Speech as Translated By My Counterpart

ME: If you will be so kind as to translate for me I would like to talk to the class again about their need to improve.
COUNTERPART Of course. Attention students, Ryan is going to give one of his talks where he rambles on and on about how you need to improve. Please lower your head and look ashamed. If any of you laugh I will twist your ears.

ME: Today only two of you have done your homework. I am sick and tired of you never doing your homework.
CP: Ryan says he is very sleepy and that your laziness has given him diarrhea again.

ME: I know you can do this work. I expect more from you and you need to expect more from yourself.
CP: Ryan thinks you do not write homework because you are bad and lazy and stupid. He wants you to write your homework.

ME: Did you just call them stupid?
CP: No. Why, do you want me to?

ME: Of course not.
CP: Good.

ME: If you need help after school with your homework I will gladly help you. I am here for two-years and my entire job is to help you learn English. I will not charge you for these lessons. It is my job.
CP: Ryan says if you need help after school he will tutor you but he charges 100 lari per hour more than what I cost so it’s better if you pay me to tutor you.

ME: I have nothing else to do in this small village. There is no dance-club, no movie theater, no Internet access and all my friends live in America. I have lots of free time to help you.
CP: Ryan says he thinks the village is very beautiful and he enjoys our many unique foods .He came here to learn our ways and to speak English to us. He will probably keep talking for a very long time.

ME: I came here to help you learn English so you can get a job and help improve your country.
CP: Ryan came here to find a Georgian wife. In America women are very fat. You have seen TV. What I say is true. He is very old now and out of options. If you have an unmarried older sisters please tell them to invite him to their home. He needs a wife very badly. He would not be yelling all the time if he indulged in some of the privileges that come with marriage.

ME: That seemed kind of long. What else did you tell them?
CP: I told them why it is important for them to learn English.

ME: Oh. Very good.
CP: No problem. Now Ryan will continue speaking nonsense.

ME: English is very important to learn. It is the language of global business.
CP: People speak English in business.

ME: Or maybe they’d be better off learning Chinese, right?
CP: Why Chinese? Do you know Chinese?

ME: No. It was just a little joke. Never mind.
CP: Ryan, you are always so very funny.

ME: If you will not study or do your work then it is pointless for me to be here.
CP: Ryan doesn’t feel appreciated and misses his mother.

ME: I don’t have to live here. I could be home eating cheeseburgers and watching American football with my friends instead of living here in this small village. If you don’t improve and start working harder then I am going to leave and go back to America. Look at the map. Here is Georgia and here is America. I am going to fly here if you don’t start doing your work.
CP: Ryan says if you all don’t start copying Lana’s homework everyday he will never get us the TV and DVD player he promised us. You all want that TV and DVD player don’t you? Of course you do. We will watch “Titanic” and any Brad Pitt movie that comes out. God, is he hot or what? Now, everybody nod your head and look concerned or there won’t be any movies.

ME: Thanks for translating.
CP: You are welcome. I think they will work harder now.


Blogger TinyTornado said...

This is HILARIOUS....and probably true!

5:22 PM  
Anonymous Allison said...

well done - you crack me up

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh gosh. seattlite too huh? Maybe I should send ya a bag of home-roasted goodness from here. What was your fave place for coffee here? I'm still in the med clearance part of my application, but I'm slated for a June departure to somewhere by the Caucusus mountains...

9:41 PM  
Blogger Randy said...

priceless. Really makes me want to sign up!

2:29 PM  

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